Quarantine Journals - Struggling & New Car

I'm way behind on my journal again. Mother's Day is always difficult, and I'm finding that I'm just struggling at several points throughout the day. By the time I get to the point that I'm ready for bed, I just haven't remembered to sit down and write anything.

We've had a couple of rough days where I've just been super emotional, and I've tried to carve out time to just feel those feelings in a private moment where I can cry and get it off of my chest, but it always seems to fall apart because the kids need something.

We harvested the mushrooms the other day, and we ate them today. They were delicious, and Oliver seem to really like them. Penny would not try them.

We harvested the mushrooms the other day, and we ate them today. They were delicious, and Oliver seem to really like them. Penny would not try them.

We harvested a bunch of the lettuce and had a nice little side dish for our tostadas. The lettuce was delicious, and both of the kids liked it. It's very satisfying to be able to grow your own food and just pop over and freshly harvest and eat it.

Yesterday, we had some small rain showers coming through the area, and Oliver wouldn't nap, so I took both of the kids out to let them play in the rain. They really enjoyed it, and when the rain stops too early, I got the new spray nozzle for the water hose and made it rain for them. They had a blast.

This morning we went for a walk and heard a very interesting bird call, so we did some birdwatching to try and figure out which bird it was making the noise. Our first guess was a Bluejay that we saw flyby, but it ended up being the woodpecker that we had seen earlier perched on top of a telephone pole. I'm not sure if it has A nest there or not, but we've seen it there a couple of times and it has a very pretty warble.

I got a new self watering planter for my orange mint, and it's awesome. I love it and it's taken all the guesswork out of watering – – which I struggle with. I also like the coconut coir that you use instead of the soil.

The brussels sprouts that we planted in the aero garden sprouted almost instantly, and already too big to stay in there with the peppers. So I'll be moving them over tomorrow. I had ordered some 64 ounce jars from Walmart, but for whatever reason the order got canceled today on the day that it was supposed to be delivered. So I called Ace Hardware to see if they had them in stock, and they were able to bring them by and deliver them today. They also delivered supplies a few days ago for us to make some net Cages to protect the plants from the weather and the animals.

I am continuing to turn Penny's old leggings, and Oliver's old clothes, into covers for my hydroponic jars. It's actually just the perfect dose of sloppy sewing to make me feel like I'm creating something beautiful without having to put too much effort into the planning. I've actually really enjoyed it.

Penny's teacher announced in her morning message that she was going to be coming by the kids houses to leave them gifts, and she hopes that the kids would be able to come out and say hello. She mentioned maintaining 6 feet in the first video message she left, and then the second video message said "maybe we can hold our breath's and take a quick picture." I'm startled by how people think that this kind of thing would be OK. She also sent out an email to the parents saying that she "thought it would be cute if the kids were wearing masks." Cute isn't the word I would use.  Anyway, when Oliver wouldn't nap today and I spent the time making a makeshift mask out of a flour sack towels and rubber bands. Of course, Oliver had to have one as well, so I made him one to go along with hers. Penny wore her mask to stand outside the front door while Miss Oswald stood by her car and they pretended to hug. 

I don't really understand what this entire visit accomplished.  If the teachers want to connect with their students, they could do so by scheduling one on one zooms before the end of the school year. Traveling from one students house to another and interacting with the families just seems like a recipe for community spread. And I don't really understand how it was very satisfying… Penny got to wave, and I could tell she was feeling sad later. I felt sad looking at the pictures, and in general it just seems pretty depressing. Richard put Penny's mask on over her hair, so it kept falling off of her face anyway. I'm not worried about it because they were like 20 feet apart, but it just kind of defeated the whole purpose I guess. It was a stressful situation for me and for Richard, and I just wish that they hadn't really orchestrated things like this.

Originally the school had sent out an email saying that the kids could just keep their library books and return them next year, but now they're wanting parents to come up to the school to drop off library books and pick up their children's supplies that are still up at the school. They did make a note that learners are allowed to keep their iPads for the summer. I can't believe that they're having people come up to the school to return library books, but they're OK with them keeping expensive electronics. Either way, I emailed the teacher and principal, and I told them that I didn't feel comfortable participating in this situation. I told him that penni had one library book, and then I wasn't worried about obtaining whatever it was she had at school. Penny's teacher responded that she could drop off whatever Penny had in her classroom whenever she came by to drop off the Gift, and she would be OK with taking Penny's library book as well. So that's what we did.

While Penny's teacher was here, Debbie started texting Richard pictures of a new car. During this entire time, I was with Oliver while he was napping in the bedroom, and Richard started sending me these sporadic cryptic texts. The first one had 1 million!'s, and my heart stopped and I am mediately thought something had happened during the teacher Penny interaction. Then he started sending pictures of the car and I was just getting increasingly frustrated with not understanding what was going on. As it turns out, Debbie purchased him a new work vehicle. So she was texting him that he needed to clean out his old car and bring it over to her house to swap vehicles. She told him she would leave the keys in the car and he could just come and pick it up and she would stay inside, but I knew that she would not.  

I wanted to be excited for him, and I felt terrible that all I really felt was anxiety.  A new car was the last thing that we needed to deal with right now. I didn't want him to go over to our house, I didn't want to have to worry about them properly social distancing, and the idea of him driving around in the car that we don't know where it's been or who's been in it or how it could be contaminated was very stressful for me. And I could tell that he was upset with me for not being excited when he wanted to be excited about having a new car, but I couldn't stop thinking about the logistics and what a terrible time it was to be trying to pull off this kind of surprise. It would've been so appreciate it any other time, but in this scenario it just felt like an anxiety generator.

I fully realize how privileged and bitchy I sound complaining about my husband getting a new Free vehicle. But this just kind of gives you the idea of the state of mind that one is in during covid 19 outbreak. All I can think about is our risk factor, and keeping my family safe. I tried to talk about this with Deanna, but she's been pretty distant the last couple of days. I know she struggling, and she's going through something, but she won't talk to me. I reached out to her multiple times the last couple of days, but she's shutting me out and won't answer her phone. She finally answered my messages today, and I started to talk about how this was going on and how anxious it made me, and she basically just told me "I don't have anything positive to say that I think is going to make you feel better, so I'm just going to be away for a bit." And then she disappeared and never resurfaced. She does this… Disappears for a while when things are too hard instead of talking to me about it, and it always breaks my heart. Especially when I have no idea what's going on with her but I'm also struggling and reaching out. She's my best friend and the only person I talk to on a daily basis. So I started crying, and I cried and I cried and I cried. And while Richard was trying to talk about going to pick up the car and sending pictures of it, I was still crying and devastated.

So, he headed out to go pick up the vehicle, and eventually Oliver woke up from his nap and came in the living room to play with Penny. I took the opportunity to do some crying, and then I called my dad and told him what was going on and how it made me feel. My dad was a good listener and had some positive suggestions, and then we talked about how he's having a difficult time over there as well. Some stock market mix ups, and the guy that he worked with All last year for pool maintenance is treating him very poorly and has now told him that he can't help him anymore.  So, he headed out to go pick up the vehicle, and eventually Oliver woke up from his nap and came in the living room to play with Penny. I took the opportunity to do some crying, and then I called my dad and told him what was going on and how it made me feel. My dad was a good listener and had some positive suggestions, and then we talked about how he's having a difficult time over there as well. Some stock market mix ups, and the guy that he worked with All last year for pool maintenance is treating him very poorly and has now told him that he can't help him anymore. It's so sporadic, and he was out at my dads house for like 10 minutes before he left without saying anything, and when my dad called him he just said "I'm tired. I have too many pools I'm taking care of. I can't work with you anymore." And it turns out that he really wasn't doing much of anything while he was there anyways. He may have broken the pump with his negligence, but the fact that he is telling my dad that his pool is too dirty and he's too busy and he's too tired has really hurt my dad's feelings. We both suspected there might be some racism at play, which I suppose isn't surprising when the president continues to be openly and blatantly racist to Asian Americans in the press room.

So I talk to my dad for a while, and then Richard fixed our mushrooms up and we all sat down to have dinner. Richard and I had some really positive conversations about how we were feeling anxious about the car and everything else. I felt like we were on a pretty level playing field once we have finished talking. Penny mentioned to us that "I never have to worry about all of these things because I have parents who keep me safe and take care of it for me." Which I thought was very astute.

After dinner, we went outside to take pictures next to the car so that we can send them to Debby. I know Richard really wants to let the kids check out the inside of the car, but I don't feel comfortable with it. I suggested waiting two weeks before we even get inside, but he's suggesting one day. I'm not sure what we will end up doing, but Richard confessed that Debbie had gifts all over the car for the kids, which just adds a new level of anxiety and concern with regards to safety. He said that he wipes down everything he could in the car, including the gifts, and thinks that after it sits out in the sun one day it should be fine. I asked him to at least give me two days, but I'm not sure that he will.

Again, I don't mean to sound like a privileged ungrateful jerk, but this is just been done in the most stressful way possible. And now we know that Debi was all over the car touching it in addition to whoever worked with the vehicle before it was delivered. And I don't love the idea of my kids touching everything in the vehicle and then opening up gifts that someone else has been touching less than 24 hours ago.  He did tell me before bed that he told Debbie that the new car was in quarantine for a couple of days, so hopefully she will be understanding.

The vehicle that she got him as a Chevy Tahoe, with leather seats and I believe it has a screen that folds down in the back for the kids. I never wanted to screen in the car, so I'm super dreading the day when they realize it's in there. It's going to make every single car ride just a screamfest for TV. And again, I am a negative Nancy. Richard is feeling incredibly self-conscious and guilty about having such an expensive vehicle. I didn't know it was an expensive vehicle until you brought it up about 20 times and then I finally ask how much it cost. I don't necessarily feel comfortable driving around in it either. Neither one of us wanted a luxury vehicle, but here we are. And we should feel grateful, but it's just a lot to process.  Anyway, the vehicle is a deep red, and Debbie told Richard that she picked it out because it reminded her of my mom's blazer. So add that to my emotional state, and it gave me something extra to cry about later.

I'm going to go finish sewing some jar covers and a makeshift mask for Richard to use while he's sanding the playground. I should go to bed, I'm exhausted. But I can't. I stayed up until 230 last night, and then had to wake up at nine, and I felt dead all day, but the minute that the kids are asleep… It's the only time that it's quiet and I'm alone to do whatever I want and I just can't give it up.