Quarantine Journals - The sad is coming out of my face too, Oliver.

Today was a bit of a roller coaster. The kids did a lot of good playing, and I tried to use the morning to get some stuff done so that I could start packing to get ready to go out to my dads house. I ended up checking in with Jan to see if she needed groceries because I still think that Texas is going to get shut down soon. So then I worked on putting her grocery list together so that I can get it over to Carmen. She's going to get her groceries tomorrow morning.

There's a guy in the Weatherford group that's constantly spewing hateful, racist, violent remarks, and I spent part of naptime reporting him to Facebook, and the other part of naptime following up on emails that I had sent to Scentsy and Uber letting them know that this man that was representing the brand was saying the kinds of things that he was saying. I see that Facebook took down a couple of his posts where he was threatening violence that I had reported from JUNE, but a lot of his hate speech is still up there.

The kids did some playing on a PVC jungle gym thing that Richard made after dinner, and Oliver has been begging to go on a walk all day, so we went out for one late in the evening. The heat index was still like 95, and mosquitoes were out, but I knew we all needed to change of scenery, the fresh air, and a little bit of exercise.  Walks aren't a fun, relaxing thing that they used to be. We spend the whole time looking out for other people, cutting across the street, changing directions, slipping into the alley, whatever needs to be done to avoid coming in close contact with any other person. And still, it doesn't always matter.  A guy rode by on a bike, on the wrong side of the street, right next to the sidewalk where we were all walking. And I felt nothing but anxiety watching him come, but there was no way that I can move everyone because we were disbursed.

Then, on a street that we were walking by, I see a woman coming down with a stroller. She starts to yell, instead of being excited that we see somebody we recognize, my stomach drops. I realize that it's Miss Oswald, and I explain it to Penny, while we continue to stand there and she walks closer. She's walking with the stroller in the street, and we're standing on the far end of the sidewalk.  I had Oliver all the way up in someone's yard to give more space, but for whatever reason Richard and penni were closer. And the distance that they stood made me uncomfortable. But I didn't say anything, because I don't know how to tell them to move without sounding rude.  Miss Oswald tried to talk to us for about five minutes or so, but honestly I was having such a panic attack over the entire situation that I really couldn't engage. I gave short answers and head nods and hope that the conversation would be over soon. She tried to talk to Penny about school, and then she showed us the baby and went on her way. Of course as she walked by, she only got closer, and then she passed. As soon as she was gone, I told Richard and Penny that they weren't far enough away. And Penny asked me "why are you telling me this when I'm trying to enjoy my walk?" And I thought… I don't know. I guess I'm telling you it so that you know for next time. But Richard felt like they were a good distance apart. He kept saying at least 12 feet, and there wasn't any risk because we were outside and the wind was blowing and there was plenty of space. But I told him that it made me uncomfortable, and then all I could think about is how we were supposed to go out to my dads house in a couple of days and now we're standing here talking to somebody in the street.

We finished our walk, and we got home and I worked on compiling an additional list of groceries since the lady who did my dad's grocery shopping today couldn't find much of anything. It seems all the shelves at the Walmart in Weatherford stay bare.  I called my dad and told him about the encounter on our walk. I told him that I just wanted him to know that we have had that interaction with somebody, and it was up to him if he still felt comfortable with us coming out. He clearly did not. He was upset, and asked me why we didn't have masks with us. He kept calling out a number of circumstances one could run into while on a walk, and why we needed a mask with us. It was clear that he was uncomfortable with the whole situation, and I told him that it was up to him if we came out or not. He said that he had already taken his medicine and was heading to bed, wish I could tell irritated him now that he knew what I had told him, and then he would let me know in an email in the morning. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like he had already given me my answer.

I sent him an email and told him that I understand that he feels uncomfortable with the whole situation. I was sad that it happened, and I really, really am. But that I don't want to come over if he doesn't feel 100% comfortable with it, so we could either wait two weeks and then come see him, or Brandon could come see him next weekend and then we would be out two weeks after that. I told him that I would have the woman in Weatherford try a different store tomorrow to get the rest of his groceries which I was going to be bringing myself on Saturday. That way he doesn't have to wait potentially months to get everything that he needs.

I came out from the shower and told Richard that my dad was upset and that we probably wouldn't be going out there. Richard was also clearly upset. He thinks that we are both ridiculous. He says there was no risk to the situation that we were in earlier, and I change our plans over that just feels ludicrous to him. He said our concerns are that interaction earlier than any kind of reality. But outdoor, socially distance, experiences especially on a windy day. Little to no risk. But I told him that it doesn't matter if he understands it or not, it's still how I feel and how my dad feels. And if my dad doesn't feel comfortable with us coming over there, that's really all that matters. It's his house, it's his health, and it's not worth going out there for the Hinden stress over whether or not we got him sick. Me either. I don't need to carry that around with me anymore than I already am.  So I guess that's that. The trip is canceled, and we won't be seeing him for at least two weeks. And I feel devastated. I am so, so fucking sad that I've spent all week thinking about this visit and getting ready for it, and now it won't even be happening. Will just stay here in our house yet again. I'm trying to find something to do that makes it feel special. But nothing will make it feel special as it would've felt to see him. And I'm mad at myself for saying that we could go take a walk. Richard didn't even want to. And I'm mad at myself for not telling them to scoot back. I knew that I wasn't gonna feel comfortable with it, why couldn't I just say something? And I'm mad that we can't see somebody that we know and feel any kind of joy from it. Just anxiety. Just panic and worry and concern. And so instead of doing anything productive this evening, I've spent most of the night just pacing back-and-forth thinking about this. But I guess also what do I have to do? I'm no longer preparing for a trip anyways.

In other news, in light of Abbott's and the TEA's recent announcements, Judge clay Jenkins announced that he was issuing a public health order and prohibiting schools from opening physical classrooms until September 8. It doesn't give us a tremendous amount of time, but it is better than nothing. So now it will be distance-learning only until September 8, and then we will see. Many schools, Houston included, I have already announced that they will be doing distance-learning for the foreseeable future, and some of them have even pushed out their start dates. But it seems the only Way Dallas county knows how to do anything is a bit by bit. So, they will beat us a long one week at a time the same way they did at the end of the school year last year. Still… It feels like a small victory and I will celebrate it. Or I did celebrate it. I'm not celebrating much of anything tonight.

Oliver fell yesterday and slammed his chin on his little art desk, and what I didn't realize until tonight on our walk is, he bit his tongue really hard on both sides. No wonder he was so upset. How did I realize this, you may ask? He kept eating leaves on our walk and when I had him open his mouth and spit them out, I saw his tongue. I couldn't figure out why he was eating leaves until we got home and he went over to the garden and wanted some cilantro and chives to eat. I guess our garden has given him the idea that he can just go around eating any leaves he wants? Either that, or he's just becoming more feral.

Our homegrown cherry tomato count is now at 137.