Quarantine Journals - House, Racial Injustice, Survival Mode

For the last couple of weeks, I have fallen into an after-stress exhaustion crash. Total survival mode, mentally checked out, binging TV on my ipad at nap time and after the kids go to bed. Reading a lot... anything to keep my mind busy and out of the here and now. I ran through all 5 seasons of Lucifer with much glee (great show) and then pranced through Miranda at the encouragement of Deanna.  

I fall asleep on the couch in the mornings while Penny does her morning Zoom.  I can't go to bed before 1AM even if I try.  Oliver is non stop, and I am so tired. Mentally, physically... Energy wise, I am better this week than I was the two weeks before, but mentally I am worse. Snapping at people, short tempered, irritable. I'm not the mom I want to be, but I'm also just swinging from one bedtime to another, trying to get through the day. 

Yesterday, the Grand Jury announced indictments on the case of Breonna Taylor, and it was shattering.  They only indicted one cop, and not even for shooting her... they are saying that was justified and self defense. The only person being punished is the cop whose bullets went into 3 other apartments and could have possible hurt someone else. I cried while I listened.  And then I held out hope for the Attorney General, but he had nothing to offer but excuses and beautiful lies for how the cops were doing their jobs. I told Richard he needed to watch the kids and then I just went into the bathroom and sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed.  This is a nightmare. Everyday, a new nightmare. And there is no justice to be found in any of it.  Not in Covid. Not for Breonna and so many other Black and Brown people.

The president has spent the last several weeks spewing all flavors of bullshit. Telling America he won't let us elect Joe. That he will throw out the ballots.  That he won't go peacefully if he loses. Telling people that "practically no one dies of covid" as our numbers pass 200,000 deaths in the United States alone.  He has said he will pass an executive order to give himself a third term.  And his followers cheer and rejoice.  He is the most disgusting sack of shit human being I have ever seen  and somehow holds the highest office int he country. 

Mail in ballots are still not allowed in Texas. We will have to brave the crowds and go in if we want to vote this November. And we can't not vote. We also need to get flu shots, I guess. And I still want to go no where near any people ever again. I am terrified.

The house stuff is finally coming to a close.  Dan should be finished tomorrow, I believe, and we have the cleaning crew scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday.  They have made quite a bit of mistakes, and I am sitting with that discomfort of knowing that things were done properly but this job needs to be finished.  It's hard to spend so much money and have things come up sideways.  I'm trying to breathe deep and move past it, but it really was so hard to see so many pictures of stuff looking just plain wrong today.  

The insurance adjuster was a jerk about the cleaning, as per our routine, telling me he would lose his job for approving such an estimate, but with even a few moments push back, he approved it and moved on. I think he just truly enjoys playing mind games.

Oliver and my dad have become inseparable.  My dad makes him smoothies almost every night. They cuddle up on the couch and watch movies, put together puzzles, sometimes even eat lunch or breakfast together.  He loves to sit in his lap at dinner time, and runs to give him hugs throughout the day.  I know both of my kids miss being at home, but I dread the realization that Grandpa wont be with them everyday.  And my dad has been such an enormous help and support every single day... making sure we have snacks and food, talking to me about house stuff, watching the kids when I need to make a call, fixing dinner nearly every night.  I am going to miss our talks at dinner every night, his jokes and teasing.  We may be home next weekend, and it makes me sick to think of leaving still.