Oliver

From last night, Oliver walked into the bathroom and said: For some reason, I feel safer with you than with daddy. —I said that sounds like a hard feeling. Why do you feel like that?— Oliver said: You are more snugly. And your arms are softer. Daddy is more active and can be more fun to play around with though. —after a couple of seconds, he starts to get angry— Daddy says he will read a book to me at bedtime, but then he doesn't! He stopped squeezing me after you had THE BIG TALK. Until I threw his mouse and then he did it again really hard. —I hear you and I want you to know that is not okay. Daddy knows this isn't okay and he's going to continue working on it. I'm really glad you feel safe to share these feelings with me. And I'm glad you told me about the squeezing. It is always okay to talk to me about this.— —-he's getting more dysrrgulated— We need to tell daddy needs to go to the gym every week! He needs to go to the gym every night until he stops!! ((Is...

I have recently learned that your dad is struggling with alcohol again, for the last year he has been drinking again.  Not sure I should add this, but I already talked about it in detail so I guess I'll put this here for now. 

Overheard in the car: "Oh no, I already forgot what I face I used for Face ID."

Tonight, you heard the "President" say that the US govt will forevermore only recognize two genders, male and female.  You bravely and boldly declared "I won't let them take non-binary away.  Trump can't have it."  You got quieter and declared that you were ready to tell us that you were non-binary, and that, in our house, you wanted us to know that.  But you didn't want to tell anyone else yet.  I told you I would always love you and keep you safe, and it was okay if you didn't want to tell anyone else.  I asked you what pronouns felt right to you or if you wanted us to keep using he/him.  You said they/them, but only when we are home.  I said okay.  I love you.  I will always love you.  I hope I can help make this world a better place for you to grow up in.  

All I have ever wanted was for the world to be a kind and inclusive place where our kids could grow up to be whatever they wanted without ever doubting their worth or ability.  But this is not that chapter.  This is the chapter in where we take it one day at a time.  This is the chapter where we watch and learn about the people around us and grow wings to fight for those who need fighting for. I hope we can do it.  I hope we come out the other side feeling braver and more beautiful than ever, but at the very least, I just hope we come out the other side.

It went well. Oliver was very brave and unexpectedly cooperative at times. In retrospect that might be because we didn't lidocaine up and maybe he didn't think there was an immediate threat. When he realized we were doing the shot without it, he started freaking out and I regret not preparing him better.   He got really upset about the shot but he noodled when it was time and then sobbed in my arms over how painful it was and how he wanted to leave because it was already too much pain for one day. And then he went into a ketamine drooling stupor that will probably fuel my nightmares until the end of time.   My fragile heart is full of sadness and anxiety and everything over the ordeal he's been through but it is done.   We rested in bed together and I allowed myself to ca re for nothing but keeping him safe and saving from his own impulses etc. I think I did a good job, Everything in my body cringes when Richard tries to tell me that, but I think I was there for him i...