Quarantine Journals - Quick Update

I haven't been writing much because I have been struggling to keep my head above water.

We came home, discovered they had damaged both tubs, reversed the hot and cold water, and damaged several things. So we left back to my dad's house for a week while they replaced the tub and fixed stuff.   I asked them to wear masks the entire time, they did not.  Cleaning company also did not Dow hat they said they would, so they came back to clean and sanitize after the fixes were done again.  They still didn't clean half the stuff.  Came home and discovered that Dan & Co had used adhesive carpet film to protect the new carpet and the adhesive transferred to the carpet. So now it is sticky.  They offered to send a carpet cleaner, and I asked them to come straighten out the shower valve while they were here.  They couldn't come at the same time, but I did schedule someone to come rekey the locks while they were cleaning the carpet.

Fast forward to today. The carpet cleaners missed an area and then blamed me for it.  Said I wasn't clear when I said from one bathroom to another that they would need to come into the bedroom.  The carpet they did clean is still sticky.  The towel ring fell off the wall, there is an unpainted section in the shower ceiling, the valve is still crooked, and so on and so forth.  We are going to try and get this all resolved next Monday but the constant back and forth and DISAPPOINTMENT of the shit ass job they are doing is weighing on me heavily.

Then, after Oliver's nap yesterday, Richard comes in and says he's going to have to start going into the office some.  While cases are rising, during flu season when a normal year puts me in the ER.  Debbie is micro managing and being a control freak and he is feeling guilty that he's the only person not up at the office. I get it, but I also value our health and safety above what anyone thinks. Richard is working all. The. Time.  He works 6 days a week.  He is always available. A lot of companies are going under, and Richard just landed their second largest government contract a few weeks ago. He is doing a great job, and I wish he could see it. And I wish she didn't STOP seeing it just when she's having a panic attack.  We talked for a long time. I told him I wanted to be supportive but I can't support him going back into the office right now just to appease her ego.  He said it was just one day a week, but that's all it takes.  8 hours a day in a small office with people who are not quarantining, that's all it takes.  And one day a week is enough that we can't go see my dad or spend the holidays with him.  Richard was completely shut down and I was devastated. I asked him what am I suppose to do? I can't be here if he's going to be out there. So am I taking the kids and moving in with my dad? He said he doesn't think I need to do that, but guesses he understands if I want to. I don't WANT to do that. I don't want any of this.  I just want his AUNT to care enough about our lives to be supportive of him instead of being yet another obstacle in our safety and health.

I had a total meltdown later that night. I told him I needed a mental health moment and I went into the bedroom and I called the same 3 therapist that I had called over the lsat 2 weeks that never called me back.  I left them all messages.  And then I went to google for the mental health line I had found for Lynette before and I found a free covid mental health line and I called them.  I was crying, sobbing, and the woman was just removed and empty to talk to. It made everything feel... worse.  I was really low.  And I was really low again this morning.  Amber reached out and was checking on me.  Deanna was trying to find me someone else to talk to on one of those online services.  But Deanna isn't really truly available because she's drowning too. The whole morning was just chaos and then, finally, one of the therapists called back.  We talked for a bit, seemed like maybe a decent connection, and I got off the phone feeling very raw and vulnerable but also a little hopeful.  Then Amber called not much later and she just talked ot me on the phone for like an hour and a half.  And honestly, it was the best thing that could have happened. I needed that connection and break and friendship so much today.  It really meant a lot to me.  

Later tonight, the carpet cleaner stopped being a jerk and called. And then Shane reached out about the fixes.  And while I was on the phone with them, another therapist called. I almost didn't call her back, but I felt like I owed it to myself to go for it. So I called her and we talked for a bit too.  She seems older, softer, kind. She listened and related, offers a sliding scale, working on insurance network status etc.  I dont' really know who to go with. I think there is a chance the first woman might be a little... rough around the edges, but I also think she could potentially help me more because she also does couples therapy, if we wanted to do a few sessions.  The other woman would be cheaper and kinder, but I also didn't feel as confident in her range being as adaptable to our needs. I don't know.  I hate decisions, and I don't want to deal.

So, that's where we are at at this point in this nightmare.  I guess I owe you more information though...

I went to vote earlier this week while they were cleaning the carpet.  I did curbside voting, and it was cold and rainy but the election workers were so kind.  They brought the machine out to the car and I cast my ballot from there.  I woke two masks and bathed in hand sanitizer a lot.  Then I switched cars with Richard and he went to vote as well.  I'm glad that's done with.  Now we just have to get to the flu shots on 11/7, also a drive through.  

My dad had his dentist appointment on Monday too, to work on the tooth he broke while we were there.  He waited until we left to go in, and I know he was super nervous about the whole mess.  The stock market crashed and he really wanted to be home watching it, but he was getting worked on instead.  He was there nearly 4 hours, but they were able to save the tooth instead of pulling it.   He also went ot vote, but the woman encouraged him to come inside instead, so he just walked in and voted. I think he was panicking about the whole thing, I don't know.  I dont understand why he went in, and I was really upset when he told me.

 Think it was a lot harder on him when we left this time.  He seemed much sadder, kept talking about how quiet it would be.  He FaceTimed us the next day and told Penny that he really missed eating breakfast with her, that he kept looking up to see her face and was sad that she wasn't there. He told me he wished he had recorded the sound of Oliver playing so he could have it playing in the background because everything was too quiet and too empty now.  My heart broke.

I guess that's it.  I'm tired of dealing with me on the daily, and I hope therapy can help me get a grasp on the anxiety and the sadness that is following me every day. The election is a wreck, the Supreme Court nomination destroyed me... there's just so much going wrong all the time, and it's too much to clean with it all happening inside the house too.

The kids are doing great though.  We are having fun with schoo, doing paint projects nad science experiments. Penny is getting better about getting up after subjects and playing and running around.... and I think that helps the day seem less long when she has so many zooms.